Not gonna lie, I’ve wanted to drink my whole existence away this entire week.
This week was a particularly difficult one to navigate spiritually. I don’t know if it’s because of the Solstice energy, me quantum leaping from toxic timelines, or me shedding and retiring an old protective persona (Rudegal Tab)…..but WHEW CHILE, it’s been taking me OUT and WITHIN.
A lot of retrospection, introspection, errthangspection!
A lot of tests, tears and triggers to make sure I can handle the blessings I worked hard to receive.
A lot of looking in the mirror, and staying still long enough to pour love and strength into my core being without the armour of my bodyguard, Rudegal Tab.
I watched myself sink back into my lowest depths of depression, baptized in the tears of years in silent despair, so I could rise up again in a newfound freedom to fill my lungs with joy.
Meanwhile, in the trenches this week, I went back to this LYRICAL POEM I wrote a few years ago about my struggle with addiction. It ended up being a studio recorded version to go on my second album, Trying To Be Good.
Let’s get into the lyrics:
MERRY GO ROUND
Just got off at the plantation, I have a puff at the station
And then decide relocation; Addicted to my impatience
I have a drink: celebration!
That I'm still living? Amazing!
A couple more things get hazy; I'm trying to kill this vibration
I'm trying to be good — I’m lazy,
But music called me to raise me.
Now I’m like Lauryn, Mariah with Etta, Billie and Tracey1
My angels with me, they pacing cuz every demon I’m facing
keep tryna pull me to the grave but I ascend when I’m praising.
There’s a point when I sip that I don’t trip; I’m engaging.
Two more shots then it hits; stiff upper lip, I’m abrasive.
Morals slip from my grip; I’ve gone too far, I can taste it.
Two steps forward: I quit, flip right back to less than basic.
FEEL LIKE I’M GOING ON A ROUND AROUND2
WHY DO I KEEP GOING AROUND AND ROUND
FEEL LIKE I’M GOING ON A ROUND AROUND
WHY DO I KEEP GOING AROUND AND ROUND
FEEL LIKE I’M GOING ON A ROUND AROUND
WHY DO I KEEP GOING AROUND AND ROUND
FEEL LIKE I’M GOING ON A ROUND AROUND
WHY DO I KEEP GOING AROUND AND ROUND
I tried to live with my trauma, it felt like hell in a sauna.
I wouldn’t deal, wouldn’t heal; my Karma turned up the drama.
I tried to live how I wanna.
My pain was built like lasagna; so many layers to this shit,
Not many of them I’m fond of.
Bit off more than I could chew; some people call me Piranha.
I was subdued, I was confused; no longer listening to Mama.3
I only listen to ABBA4
I battled idols and rivals; went to a point suicidal,
but I got teachers from Niles5
(I keep it going on a round around)
I met myself in my primal.
It’s hard to reconfine your mind when you are stuck on survival.
I’m always thirsty for some knowledge; Wisdom comes with my title.
Discipline is what you need to disciple.
FEEL LIKE I’M GOING ON A ROUND AROUND
WHY DO I KEEP GOING AROUND AND ROUND
FEEL LIKE I’M GOING ON A ROUND AROUND
WHY DO I KEEP GOING AROUND AND ROUND
FEEL LIKE I’M GOING ON A ROUND AROUND
WHY DO I KEEP GOING AROUND AND ROUND
FEEL LIKE I’M GOING ON A ROUND AROUND
WHY DO I KEEP GOING AROUND AND ROUND
Preshate y’all for tuning in.
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1
Referencing my musical and lyrical poetry influences: Lauryn Hill, Mariah Carey, Etta James, Bille Holiday, and Tracey Chapman
2
Another term for a Merry go round you’d find at an amusement park.
3
Referencing me breaking free from the mind/emotional/spiritual programming of my narcissistic mother that contributed to a great deal of my addiction problems, and my struggle to pursue my purpose as an Artist and Creator under her control.
4
THE MOST HIGH Creator.
5
On my quest to reprogram my mind with TRUTH so I could remember who I am, I tracked down many scholars ranging in all areas of knowledge and spirituality. This is just a nod to some of them who specialized in African studies (The Nile River).
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